Letter to Little Barbara

barbara

Fairy floss

Once upon a time there was a very young girl named Barbara. She was very tall for her age and had wonderful shining bright eyes. Barbara lived in a small village together with her mother, her father and her two brothers.

Barbara loved to pick up flowers when she went home from her grandmother’s place and nearly always gave those flowers to her mother. She wanted to be loved more than anything else.

Barbara was very spirited and climbed up the trees up to the very highest points or jumped from houses which were under construction. She was so unfearful and very often she had more courage than her brothers.

In the meantime Barbara changed her behaviour as a little girl because she was scared to death that her mother did not love her and will leave her alone. This gave her the feeling that whatever she did, it was never enough. Barbara felt very alone and spent a lot of time with herself. She was not always sad. Sometimes she could ride her bike and sing a song or pray to God.

The older she got the more isolated she got. She did not fit in wherever she tried to. She thought that she could connect with the boys because she grew up with her brothers and their friends. But the boys found her to boyish and were not interested.

She was different to other girls as well. She dressed differently. She always wanted to wear something exciting and extraordinary and she had a strong interest in fighting for justice, which a lot of her class mates did not like. She needed other people to tell her that she was alright and this offended some girls as well.

She did have some girlfriends and the connection was really bonding and to some reason it stopped when everybody finished school and went off for studies and working. Some of her friends have started to connect with her recently which is wonderful.

During all this time of endurance and loneliness there was always something that kept her going and searching for more, searching for healing.

Her soul was quite persistent.

Barbara had very vivid dreams and once upon a time she was dreaming the following.

She could see little Barbara with her red cardigan, her dark blue skirt and her loved bright red tights. She was playing at the tree, which was cut for her and her brothers to play in the garden. She stood there and as always she started to imagine herself as a little ballet dancer. She would have loved to be a dancer. After a while her mother came out of the house and told little Barbara something that little Barbara could not understand really. It felt uncomfortable and it did not fit with her mother’s impression in her face. Had she done something wrong? Would her mother still lover her? Barbara was so scared and felt so alone. When her mother had gone back to the house, Barbara felt desperately. Then it happened, she could see a wonderful rainbow shining light. There she was, a colourful fairy flying directly to her. The fairy took her with her hands and they flew to the fairyland.

The little Barbara could see all her future live, her friends, her achievements, her breakdowns and her breakthroughs. Barbara was amazed and astonished as well. She did never ever expect herself to have this live that she could see passing by herself just at this certain moment.

Little Barbara could see herself, how she took care about herself and how the love for herself was growing and growing. She could see that she made peace with her mother and that she could sense the hidden love her mother always had for her. She could see that the wall she had been building around herself was falling and she could sense the wave of love, passion, freedom, compassion storming into her body. She could also sense that the barbwire which had been holding her heart small, bursting and enabling herself to fully and unconditionally love her and others.

Little Barbara could hear the older Barbara talking to her: “I love you precious, wonderful, amazing, pretty and wise little Barbara. I will always be there for you; I will always love you as you are. You have so many gifts and you are so an inspiration. I love you so much.”

Little Barbara was very surprised this was the first time that anybody told her that she was loveable. She took this precious gift and saved it for the future in her heart and in her mind. She ran to her older Barbara and hugged her and started crying and crying, she could not stop crying.

Her older self-hugged little Barbara and caressed her cheeks and her hair. In a very calming and soft tone she almost sang to little Barbara: “It’s alright. You are being loved and it’s time that you allow yourself to be loved. It’s alright and it’s so good that you can cry and wash away your wounds.”

Then older Barbara took her right hand and placed it onto little Barbara’s heart and said: “All your pain will be released and your wound has be cleansed and will be healing soon. You are free to be you and you are loved to be you and to love yourself and your life path is very important for a lot of other people as well. You will be healing others with your healing. I am so proud that you have been born to this world. You will understand what I mean when you will be older. You will be never ever alone and you deserve to live and to be happy. I will always be there for you.”

The older Barbara hugged her again and the image disappeared, so did the fairy and left little Barbara again at the tree, wondering if this was a dream or real.

When little Barbara looked down to the ground, she could see a little fairy floss and she knew that fairies loved to eat this dearly. So it was really.

Little Barbara kept this memory and was living happily ever after.

Eucalyptus_ficifolia_Fairy_Floss__13802_zoomsource: http://www.grevillenursery.com.au

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About shamanicspiderwoman

I am a courageous woman who left everything behind to move from Austria to Australia together with her family. I have started a training as shamanic midwife last year and enjoy this healing process and the connection with my tribe. I love to connect with the peace and silence of nature. I love the abundance I have got with my family. I am a writer on my path to publish my first short fiction book "Kassandra" in German. I am very passionate about connecting with other women on passion, sexuality and as shamanicspiderwoman I love to weave my web of creativity with love and humility.
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