source: http://www.pinterest.com/ishtar by susan seddon boulet
Post birth-day relief
I can’t tell how much relief I feel now that my birth-day has passed. Sounds probably strange but I had put so much energy into this day. It was my 45th birthday AND 14 years of marriage all together on one day.
It was like I was cut into pieces before. I could read something today about Inanna going to the underworld and that she was naked and had to release everything and even to that point that she was hung on a meat hook, only to be rescued and get the chance for a new beginning.
Somehow I felt the same, only that I was much more confronted with my deepest inner fear and my pain. Just to come to the point to surrender, let go of control and stand still.
Trust me, I went through all my inner circles and took all the rounds which are quite familiar to me, just as blaming others, blaming myself, wanting to leave, asking myself a lot of questions, and feeding my inner critic, falling back into unhealthy diet again, getting allergic… and so on. This all happened with such a fast speed and brought me down, down to my knees, to my dark side, even awoke during dark night just to question my life even more, putting so much pressure on me to make a decision…
I felt so “out of myself” and so not like celebrating my birth-day. It was more that like a funeral to me and accompanied with that was a lot of resentment and grief about my “un-lived life”.
Even when I was a child I never liked my birth-days it was always that I wanted to avoid them but on the other hand it was very important for me, this ambivalent feelings happen to me quite often.
So my birth-day came and I was quite under inner pressure and full of avoidance. It took me a second go to sit down and enjoy the presents and flowers and all the abundance I had got. First I needed to connect with myself doing my usual morning ritual. It worked and I felt so much love. Wonderful! The day was quite ambivalent all the time. I felt like I wanted to celebrate my birth-day and just do nothing (which I could not because I had to work, luckily from home which was a relief) so I had tears and smiling changing all the time. This went on for the birth-day and even parts of the next day as well. Only on Sunday it could realize a sense of relaxation. I had a wonderful Thai Massage which I had booked for myself and it was awesome. I was a little bit sceptic because I was not sure what to expect. It was as if my body needed this massage to relax and then my mind followed into this feeling of let go and pure joy.
It was such a wonderful change and I felt so grateful.
I had so many people congratulating me and so much abundance and love and celebrations. I am really thankful for this experience.
I can so much see what my mind makes and how much influence this has to me. It was such a difference when I could read a book about the inner mean critic. The message of this book was to have compassion, to feel, sense and express unconditional love for you. This made a shift as well. I can watch myself acting in a different way when I am full with self-love or focusing of fear and self-doubt, being dependent on others.
I am glad to be back from my underworld.