I try my best to describe my current situation. It is as if there were two doors in my life. One door is the one which I always open without hesitation or even thinking, always doing the same things, falling back to old habits, which almost every time end up that I am exhausted but still expecting another outcome. The other door is the one which I know is always there for me, inviting me to be opened. I could realize during the last week that there is a difference. When I open the other door, I am surrounded with energy and drive and can watch myself being inspired. I have this “I can do this” attitude, and whatever comes up I am ready to face it. The outcome is different, as well.
So what’s the difference?
I believe that there are no two doors. It is my willpower taking action or not. When I act or re-act like usually I am more likely to control the outcome. Whereas when I step back, take the time to breathe and watch “from the balcony” and then follow my intuition, I am much more likely to be in a better space.
It is probably easier when I give an example of my changed actions. I think that I have mentioned a couple of times that I wanted to quit my job. Some weeks ago I could not see any sense in continuing my job and then almost out of nothing I got this introduction into leadership training and got very excited about this. I had thought about acting as a leader a lot but never really had the opportunity to do so. So I thought this might be useful for me and my future. I applied for this training and got into the program. I have to say that my usual way of acting would have been that I was going to quit anyway so why taking any effort. I sat down and said to myself even if I was not going to continue I would try my best to submit the best application ever. So it was, and I got selected and could hear that only a couple of people had been chosen from a lot of applications.
My next example happened some days ago. I felt depressed, impatient and more than willing to quit again, just to have more time for my writing. I did not feel supported and went from helplessness to hopelessness. Got caught in various appointments during the day until I came to point to make the decision what I thought was necessary for me. “I had a wonderful lunch with a friend who inspired me to focus on the future and to practice mindfulness.” I felt as if the universe was answering my prayers for support and had opened a window. It is getting even better. I knew that I was going to have a Skype call with a woman I did not know personally, but I knew her work and could sense that this talk was going to be valuable for me. I tried to postpone the meeting due to a variety of circumstances and almost lost the opportunity to have this chat. I could have confirmed to postpone the meeting for another two weeks but deep inside I knew that this was significant. I am so glad that I followed my intuition. We had a wonderful chat, and I am going to work with this inspiring woman. It took me courage to make the decision, and it felt good.
So this is what I am facing all the time. My comfort zone is being stretched, and I am always asked to make decisions, to find myself back in old habits again only to take a leap and jump again and again. Frustration is continually conquered by intuition and a lot of courage and drive.