Letter on abundance

abundance

source: http://cauldronsandcupcakes.files.wordpress.com

This is a topic which accompanies me a lot and I really like to go a little bit more into detail.

I am a person who likes to look a lot at the things which are not working yet, which could be better or could have been accomplished yet… because I am a perfectionist. Believe me I have read a lot about being perfect and currently I am reading a book about imperfection. So to explain further a perfectionist is scared to death to show his/her real self and would do anything to avoid that another person could probably get to know what is behind the cover and this makes the system running because as a perfectionist you need to work even harder in order to not to be discovered.

Well this is not quite a nice place to be AND (this is my word of abundance too, instead of BUT) I could come to accept me, how I am. With being aware and accepting I was able to take actions to change my mindset.

This started with little things such as in the morning I always say a gratitude prayer for what I am grateful for, sometimes I am grateful for the blue sky (which in Canberra is amazing) and I always include my family which is my starter package.  In the evening when I go to bed I have got a small journal where I write what I have been grateful for the day. Sometimes I cannot find enough space to write down everything I am happy about and sometimes it is just “I am happy that I can go to bed now”.

Coming back to my perfect view of my perfect life I often forget to look at the daily magic I receive from little moments because I want to be many steps ahead already.

Lately I have been quite stressed because I have got the feeling that I am running two jobs at the moment. The full-time I have got and the dream job I have got in my mind. Sometimes I have the feeling that I am getting crazy because my mind does not cope with this pressure and then guess what happens?

I let go and sit with it. I connect with nature and sit by the water and my mind gets calm and every inner struggle gets blown away. I am connected with nature and with this I slowly get back to my serenity. This is when I am grateful to sit with the water and watch birds and connect with the power of nature. This is where I feel reassured that I am on the right path.

To give another example: some days ago when I got up in the morning I had this “where I am going to go with my dream?” My inner critic popped into my mind and sooner or later I felt stuck and could not move out of my bed. This all happened within a couple of minutes. For no reason I had to look out of the window and could see a hummingbird. Coming from overseas this was like a little wonder. I felt so blessed and I started smiling when I looked at the little creature. As I always think that animals are great teachers I went straight to look it up and it totally made sense for my current situation.

I think I have mentioned that I have asked for support and I have received so much support and abundance from my husband, my daughters, friends, coaches, writers and professionals which I have never expected.

This is so precious and I cannot express in words the gratitude I feel!

This is what I want to express when I say the abundance I feel with little moments.

Much love, essence and abundance!

Barbara

hummingbird

source: http://awaytogarden.com

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Letter on focus

California brown pelican

source: http://www.oceanlight.com

Today I have started with something different. I drove to work earlier so that I could have some time to walk on campus. It was really chilly and it took me some effort to “fight” against the wind. When I passed by a little creek my view got caught by a pelican. There was a pelican sitting right on the landing stage. I felt so blessed to witness the beautiful image of this majestic bird.

I think I have mentioned this once that I have got a strong connection to birds and always feel that they are messengers to me.

After this endorphin increasing walk I returned to my office and started searching about pelicans and the spiritual meaning of this bird.

I could find out the following:

The pelican can help you digest all this information you’re taking in, and also facilitate ways for you to “spit out” the great ideas you have and speak your mind with confidence.

So true for me I am bursting to “spit out” my ideas and at the same time I am still frightened to show the REAL me.

If the pelican flies into your awareness, it’s a good time to contemplate variables between your heart and mind.

True again, cannot tell how much inner “fights” I have got between my urge to follow my heart and my inner critic, my mind telling me that this is “way too big” and that I not ready yet.

This is symbolic of ourselves taking a bold nose-dive into our own emotional waters to seek value.

Oh my dear I am overwhelmed by emotions especially with feelings like “enough” and a lot of outbursts either explosions of ideas or aggression mostly against myself.

The pelican symbolizes preparation and constancy.

Did I ever mention that patience is one of my challenges. I am more ALL or NOTHING.

The pelican represents teamwork, group dynamics, regeneration, and resourcefulness.

Really reminded me to have a look at my current job situation and brought out that once again this is not align…

Pelicans remind us to view ourselves as part of the whole. We all grow more when we work together in the spirit of cooperation. Pelican arrives to remind us that there is plenty for everyone. They also speak of the determination to not only survive, but thrive even when odds are stacked against them. If pelican appears to you it may be time to surround yourself with supportive people who encourage you. They also remind you of the importance to want what you have – to make the most of what you have been given.

Wonderful to step out from the survival mode and I have already started to surround myself with supportive people. This is really magic. I have got so many people coming to me offering me her support. A very good reminder as well to have a look on what I have which is so much abundance.

Please forgive me that I am quite theatrical, I had to give the pelican a name and called him Ferdinand. This is the fun part inside myself and I will weave a lot of those parts from me into the next blog posts as well. Even if some people think that’s crazy. This is part of me and I am no longer going to suppress it to impress others.

Coming back to the topic which is focus. I think this is what accompanies every single moment. I have mentioned this once and it seems that I have forgotten it already. To be creative I need to have a structure and more important I need to have a focus. Focus is necessary for me to step out of my default position and take action. Focus is my life force to have a goal or a big dream which I can achieve by following my path and at the same time it is my self-assurance to keep going even though the road may be bumpy and full of obstacles.

My way is the goal. I created an image that my path could be paved with colorful Mexican tiles or could be an artwork of combined rocks who form a solid structure all together.

Love and focus,

Barbara

mexican tile

source: http://www.replacements.com

  path

source: http://en.wikipedia.org

 
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Letter on strength

strenght

source: http://morethansayings.blogspot.com.au

I went to a training course on communication and could learn something interesting. The facilitator told us that we could borrow attributes from other people if we do not have them yet.

During the weekend I have been testing if I could apply this to my private life.

My teenage daughter had asked me to go shopping with her. I had alarm bells ringing in my head and situations from previous shopping tours popped into my mind where I felt exhausted and powerless. Added to this I have to mention that I do not like shopping centers. My sensitive mind cannot cope with all the noise and too much information and I do not like crowds either. The biggest challenge is always the money and normally I will be persuaded to buy an extra thing because…

I agreed to go but this time I was more prepared. I had discussed my pain with being specific with how much money to spend with a friend. I felt much more relieved when I could set a limit to myself with the decision to stick to it.

Prepared with my intentions I went shopping with my daughter. It went very well for some time and then I could see myself stepping back to my normal behavior and immediately everything changed and I felt more in the “fight or flight”-mode. I could not help myself getting out of my mindset.

So I thought I could give it a go with what the facilitator suggested.

I have got a friend who has got this specific power. She is mother of three and working part-time and very organized and tough. I focused all my energy to borrow her strength. Believe it or not with thinking of her strength my mood changed and I could uplift my mind and even felt the power.

When I stood in front of the mirror waiting for my daughter to come out from the changing room I could see myself straightening and even my eyes changed and my cheek relaxed.

This was really powerful and I could see that it was working.

When I adopt this to other situations it could work too.

My next step is to practice to borrow strength for changing my current job situation. I could think of the power of a horse for example.

Love and strength,

Barbara

Black-Horse-Running

source: http://speakinginsymbols.wordpress.com/

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Letter on Value

core

source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk

Hello,

I had mentioned in my last post that I am focusing on my values at the moment. Well this is an ongoing process.

What first came to my mind was that my values shifted when I came to Australia 3 years ago. Such as my values narrowed down to what was really important for me. It will always be my family and got even more important when it was only us out there in this new surrounding with nobody to connect at the beginning and feeling so different. It got better but I still have to say that my core values are not really met. I have to explain this a little bit.

One of my values is independence which is somehow interesting because I had the feeling that I needed to go that far away from my original home to be more independent. I feel more independent and I have started doing things which I would have never ever foreseen earlier. I have met people who had influenced me and my mindset shifted totally. When I look back now there has been an immense growth especially during the last year.

The part where I do not feel independent is in my work. I have stated this various times and it is true my values are not met and at the same time I think that I still need this extra security until I am ready to be fully independent. So looking from this prospective it is a chance as well. It just needs trust and focus and calibration.

There is also creativity which is a big part in my life. Sometimes I feel like a wave is floating over my body and I have not got the words to express what I would like to say. I start a lot of things at the same time fly high, very high to the point of frustration because I block myself with doing too much at the same time. I could find out that to be creative it needs to have discipline as well. Discipline to focus on what is important and then avoiding distraction. I can get distracted a lot…I could also find out that I have different phases of creativity in writing as well depending on my moods. Sometimes I cannot write a single sentence because I feel stuck and blocked and sometimes I start writing and cannot stop. I could find out as well that sometimes I need to clear my mind to be totally open for my inner creativity. Such as I had written two pages last weekend about how I am feeling being in Australia and what I miss and what I dislike and what I hated (I had to give myself permission to do so). This sounds strange but I needed this out of my head because I always carried this with me and tried to pretend that everything was alright. With writing everything down I felt the relief to get it out of my mind. After this exercise I could write and I really could dive into my sensual creativity. It was great!

Another important value I have got in my life is spirituality. I should say it was always part of my life but I have ignored this for a very long time. I always thought that I was different because I felt a strong connection especially to the elements water and wind and when I was younger I have written poems to express those strong feelings. I stopped doing this for quite a long time because I have “learned” that it was not appropriate. It took me another 20 years to come back to connecting with spirits again. I could meet a lot of in-spir-ing people and since then I could open myself and a lot of interesting moments happened in my life. I do not know what happened or what shifted but I am more aware now and I get a lot of messages which I did not realize earlier.

I have got a lot more values one that is calling to be more present is the part of having fun and humor. I do not know if anyone ever experienced such a strong change as I moved from my home country to a total different surrounding. It felt strange, very strange and I felt like a stranger. It took me a while to find out that I was shocked although I wanted to have a change I did not expect it to be that heavy. I think I have spent the last 3 years like an actor in a movie… well for some time I lost my connection to myself, my identity… and lot’s of other things. I lost the part of myself who had fun and joy in being.

I have met wonderful people and sometimes I could laugh which got me by surprise because most of the time I lived under pressure. When I could let go of my limiting beliefs (especially with having English as a second language) I started to invite fun into my life again and humor was knocking on my door as well. It can be hard leaving everything behind and at the same time it can be very uplifting to peer with like-minded people especially those who speak your language and just spend some time laughing… that is joy.

My very last value has got to do with influencing people. Well I love to inspire others and I am working on spreading my words around. I’ll get there.

Love as always,

Barbara

fun woman

source: http://wallpapers-diq.com

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Letter from a-void to the void

avoidance

source: http://goalistics.com

Letter from a-void to the void

I think I have mentioned already that I had applied for a training course at my work. To be honest, I had the most intensive and inspiring training, during the last two weeks. The topic was leadership, and I thought prior to this that I would like to investigate more on being a leader. When I entered this training, I was full of self-doubt and questioned my capability to be a “leader”.

I could take so many inputs from this training. I could hear a lot about different approaches to be a leader, and that it is all about asking the right questions, that leadership is an art and much more which I kept in memory.
The most important information I got for myself was not to take myself too seriously. This was a big shift in my mindset. I could find out that when I was honest to myself I was able to connect with myself and others as well. I could let go of my self-doubt and believes that I am different and other people would not accept me the way I was. I got the support I needed to go with my passion and to show me fully “uncovered” and “unprotected”.

During the training I could find out that I had spent a lot of time of my life in avoidance. I had spent the last months looking for the “right” “diet” to solve my problems with allergies and food intolerances. I have spent a lot of money jumping from one naturopath to another only to find out that this was not the way I wanted to go any longer. My last experience was that I had to avoid almost every food to fight against candida.

Then I could see everything from a higher perspective and could find out the following. My leaky gut had caused a big leak in my finances as well. The most important thing was that I could see that with avoiding all the food I had not only lost interest in eating food I also had forgotten how wonderful and nurturing food can be. After this realization I could find out that I was no longer going to follow other people’s advice. I have done so much research on food and nutrition and I have had a long time to study my body. I feel convinced that I can walk this path on my own now. This was followed by calling the naturopath telling that I do not believe in this rigid diet and that I was not going to proceed. I have to confess that this was a very big step for me and it still is because I am taking back my power. It was my first step in moving from avoidance and self-punishing to an open space and to freedom and independence. One of my core values is independence.

The second flash of inspiration came to me when we had to look at our values. It did not really come as a surprise which values I had chosen to be the most important in my life, what made me thinking was the fact that I had forgotten about my values and that they were in conflict with my work situation. I mean this is not that surprising either but I forgot that I had forgotten. In other ways I had allowed other “things” to be first listed and therefore my values had been covered, although they had tried to approach me all the time. I always thought that I need to fix something and THEN I will be ready to do what I really wanted to do. This had become a very big excuse in my life to say “I would love to do what I really want”. To be honest I have spent more time in doing the opposite. Therefore it was really mind-setting to spend more time on looking at my values and to align them with my future.

So I cannot emphasize enough how much influence this training and this time with other people have already had on my life.
I am very proud that I stepped out of my comfort zone again although it was painful to come to the realizations and at the end the reward was mind changing and brought me to making decisions for my better being.

Love
Barbara

Core-Values1

source: http://linked2leadership.com

I took this picture on purpose because it had been a while since I bit of an apple.

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Letter on intuition

old habits

source: http://notsalmon.com

I try my best to describe my current situation. It is as if there were two doors in my life. One door is the one which I always open without hesitation or even thinking, always doing the same things, falling back to old habits, which almost every time end up that I am exhausted but still expecting another outcome. The other door is the one which I know is always there for me, inviting me to be opened. I could realize during the last week that there is a difference. When I open the other door, I am surrounded with energy and drive and can watch myself being inspired. I have this “I can do this” attitude, and whatever comes up I am ready to face it. The outcome is different, as well.
So what’s the difference?
I believe that there are no two doors. It is my willpower taking action or not. When I act or re-act like usually I am more likely to control the outcome. Whereas when I step back, take the time to breathe and watch “from the balcony” and then follow my intuition, I am much more likely to be in a better space.
It is probably easier when I give an example of my changed actions. I think that I have mentioned a couple of times that I wanted to quit my job. Some weeks ago I could not see any sense in continuing my job and then almost out of nothing I got this introduction into leadership training and got very excited about this. I had thought about acting as a leader a lot but never really had the opportunity to do so. So I thought this might be useful for me and my future. I applied for this training and got into the program. I have to say that my usual way of acting would have been that I was going to quit anyway so why taking any effort. I sat down and said to myself even if I was not going to continue I would try my best to submit the best application ever. So it was, and I got selected and could hear that only a couple of people had been chosen from a lot of applications.
My next example happened some days ago. I felt depressed, impatient and more than willing to quit again, just to have more time for my writing. I did not feel supported and went from helplessness to hopelessness. Got caught in various appointments during the day until I came to point to make the decision what I thought was necessary for me. “I had a wonderful lunch with a friend who inspired me to focus on the future and to practice mindfulness.” I felt as if the universe was answering my prayers for support and had opened a window. It is getting even better. I knew that I was going to have a Skype call with a woman I did not know personally, but I knew her work and could sense that this talk was going to be valuable for me. I tried to postpone the meeting due to a variety of circumstances and almost lost the opportunity to have this chat. I could have confirmed to postpone the meeting for another two weeks but deep inside I knew that this was significant. I am so glad that I followed my intuition. We had a wonderful chat, and I am going to work with this inspiring woman. It took me courage to make the decision, and it felt good.
So this is what I am facing all the time. My comfort zone is being stretched, and I am always asked to make decisions, to find myself back in old habits again only to take a leap and jump again and again. Frustration is continually conquered by intuition and a lot of courage and drive.

Love
Barbara

intuition

source: http://frithluton.com

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Letter on blind spot

blind spot

source: http://www.elixirofknowledge.com/

When I drove to work today I could see a blind woman jogging with her guide dog. Although she was fighting against the cold wind, she looked very motivated and seemed to enjoy running, whilst I had the heating on in my car, almost up to the maximum.

Her being blind reminded me that I once cared for a young girl aged twelve, who suffered a severe illness and lost her sight at the age of 3 years, when I volunteered at a farm many years ago. I always asked her how she was seeing the world, and if she was dreaming in colours. Although many years have passed already, I still remember how she could sense emotions and feelings without asking for it. She could stand beside me noticing my feelings without me saying a word. I feel very blessed that I had this experience and the connection to this girl. She was very ambitious and when I visited the family years after her mother told me “my little girl” had started to study at the university and kept going her way. I felt so proud of her.

When I thought about “being blind” I realized that I have gotten my blind spots as well. There is a lot which I cannot see and do not look into. Normally I would look at the big picture and assume things to be. From the feedback and reality checks I get from others I know that there is way more which I do not include into my perception or point of view. When I talk about this I mean the positive things because I focus mostly on what could go “wrong” or has gone “wrong” already. I’ve read a lot about self-criticism and could find myself in almost every summary I’ve read up to now. Even when I mention positive things I do not allow myself to let them fully sink into my mind. I am not consciously searching for other positive things.

By looking at the blind spot I was reminded to dig for deeper insights and bright images to get a broader picture.
And I know there are a lot of undiscovered treasures inside myself. The only thing I need to do is being an archaeologist and discover my own artefacts, layer by layer.

Love,

Barbara

treasures

http://www.english.rfi.fr

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