Letter on pain

I have to say that resigning from my job was way more easier than coping with the challenges I am currently facing.

I did not realize how deep the impact would be.

Which means with taking a break I could discover that I am really low in energy and that I was giving from my reserves for a very long time. I am more than open to receiving and at the same time could find out how difficult it is for me to ask for help or for assistance.

Whenever I am facing stormy times my digestion is the first to be overwhelmed and which brings my already very sensitive nerves even more under stress.

The more I have time to recover the more I could find out that I do not want to go back to this any more.

This is the most challenging part at the moment. I am full of ideas and images how my business could look like and at the same time I am facing reality of there should be a way of abundance coming to me to practically pay the bills.

I have got the feeling this is like walking on eggshells and being at the edge all the time.

My inner feminine is asking me to slow down and connect with nature, whereas my outer masculine which is in my mind and also in reality, my husband, is asking me to look for a job again and pressure is getting more and more.

I have titled the post with pain because for me this is more about taking care of myself, although it seems to be unbearably stormy at the moment. It is about finding my footsteps and walking my path. I know that this is really something I have been carrying with me for a very long time.

I have never thought that walking my path could be so painful. For me it is because I always wanted to be liked and I can sense it with every part of myself when I am doing something another person does not agree with.

I am pretty sure that this voyage will be deeply changing and important for me.

The wonderful thing with challenging times is that they are not lasting for EVER!

Much love out of pain,

Barbara

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Letter on opportunity

Hello,

I did it.

I resigned from my job.

I cannot believe that it took so many posts until I came to this point.

This was and still is a major step for me. I did not realize that I would shiver so much whilst walking my path. I knew that freedom was more important for me than everything else, but still could not do it.

Resigning stirred up a lot of emotions deep inside me.

I felt a relief that I finally made the decision.

On the other hand emotions like “I am not good enough” kept jumping into my mind all the time.

For a while those ghosts who constantly told me that I was a “failure” accompanied me and I thought that they were right.

This is what happens to me quite often that I make a really big decision and quite after a short while an inner dialogue starts, listing all my “failures” and I spent time listening BECAUSE I always did.

It took me so much time to set myself free, only to fall into my inner limiting thinking again.

Whenever I fall into this mood again I try to see myself as a hero, wrap myself into shining light and anchor this image in my body.

It is so easy that I forget how much effort and courage it took.

I really tend to fall into de-pression and put so much pressure on myself.

So I finally know that it will take some time for me to heal from this work-experience.

At the same time I am so proud that I took the opportunity to leave, to be open for new adventures to come.

For sure!

Much ME-Love

Barbara

 

 Like the wonderful flower from our neighbor, blossoming in our garden!

 

Letter on spark

Well, it has been over a month that I did not write a single post. I have been very busy in the background.

I am currently working on my new blog which consumes a lot of my energy, in a positive way. I have underestimated the time and effort a little bit, needless to say that I have some other projects running too.

The other thing is that I was also busy writing some chapters for my second book. The first one is now ready to go to publishers. I did not imagine that it will take ages to get there. I am a perfectionist. Everything has to be perfect. I am really grateful that I had the support from various people to follow my dream.

When I look back to my previous posts I could realize that I have promised more than I had shared in my posts. I had promised to write about sexuality, about deep feminine wisdom and probably I have covered those topics partly, but not truly. I felt scared and the time was not ripe to do so.

 

This is why I am working on my new blog to start with what I had promised. Not only with a new name, a new design also with a complete new content.

New link coming soon!

It really took me the last couple of months to declutter my life.

Areas I had to dig deeper:

Self-love, career, dreams and my desires and passion

 

I have only covered the surface. I could say it was a way of expressing my emotions, my fears in those recurrent topics, mostly relating to my career.

 

How did I struggle with my masculine energy wanting to be expressed in my writing and how did I struggle with masculine energy in my job and not having the courage to walk away.

 

It all happens for a reason.

 

I had to find my inner balance of feminine and masculine energy to be able to follow my dreams.

 

So what was it what really shifted my life and set of a spark?

 

I am not in my twenties any longer, even said good-bye to my thirties. Hello forties and with this everything shifted. I got the strong feeling that my life is too short to do anything I do not like any longer.

That is freaking scary and at the same time I feel that I am unstoppable.

 

I have never followed anything with such persistence as I do right now with my writing. I do have this big dream to be a successful published author and it feels as if I am facing obstacles one after another and I keep going and going.

 

So this is my spark to follow my dreams as I have got this vision inside where I want to be in my future. It’s not a rose garden yet, but I have already planted the seeds and I am walking my path.

Love

Barbara

Letter on beauty

As always love to take the opportunity to share my insights with you, thanks to Andrea for choosing the topic.

What is it about beauty that speaks to me?

I would like to focus on the little moments, the ones that are sometimes taken for granted.

Such as the beauty that lies in a smile from another person. The beauty you can see in people moving whilst they are dancing or walking only. The beauty when you watch the sun just seconds before rising or setting. The beauty of a gentle touch or the gaze by somebody you love. The beauty of raindrops attached to a spiderweb.

source: http://wallpaperswide.com

The wonderful smell and beauty of flowers. I personally am very strongly attracted by roses.

Or the beauty when walking to the office early in the morning and being surprised by a wonderful creature in the midst of the campus.

What else do I relate with beauty?

I would say the beauty of being naked. The beauty of “non-perfect” bodies. Artists, photographer capturing people how they really are. That’s beauty, when eyes are telling stories and you do not need to hear a single word.

source: http://en.wikipedia.org

This brings me to my next topic, the words.

I love words and the beauty you can create with words, especially in poems, using words to express feelings, describing beauty with words and imaginary pictures and letting your fantasy flow.

I am almost done, only one last comment.

I think the most important thing for me is seeing the beauty from the point of my heart which makes me smile from within.

Thank you Andrea, for this wonderful topic. I could go on and on writing….

Love and beauty from within,

Barbara

source: http://www.imgquotes.com/i-love-not-only-for-what-you-are-but-for-what-i-am-when-i-am-with-you/

January 12, 2014

Hi, I like your blog and the wonderful eye-catching pictures.

blissful Thoughts

This week I found metal objects as I walked.

To find some meaning I intentionally confused metal with mettle.

I found courage; fortitude.

“Tender-handed stroke the nettle, and it stings you for your pains; grasp it like a (wo)man of mettle, and it soft as silk remains.” Aaron Hill
“The great sea has sent me adrift
It moves me
As the weed in a great river
Earth and the great weather move me have carried me away
And move my inward parts with joy.” Inuit Shaman’s Song
How will I use this gift in the coming days, weeks, year?

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Letter on boundaries

http://love-live-happy.thoughts.com

This is a great way to start the new year with writing a blog post on boundaries.

I have been thinking a lot about setting boundaries and being assertive. Lately reading a wonderful book from Doreen Virtue about “Assertiveness for Earth Angels”. This is a great book and explains the necessity of setting boundaries to be able to expand your wings and do what you are supposed to do.

It is so easy to get caught up with different things or putting other people’s needs first and speaking for myself quite hard to set boundaries without feeling guilty. I often have the urge to explain why and could find out that this is not often necessary and makes myself weakening again.

So, boundaries are more than important to grow and to focus on your purpose and your life. It’s not egoistic, it is a way of clearing the space to be more open for the things that are important. It is also a way to let go the need to be responsible for other people’s life’s.

I am not sure how other people set their boundaries but with me I often realize my boundaries when somebody is overstepping them and I get a certain feeling of discomfort or an even stronger feeling of anger which asks me to look more into sensing what’s going on.

I really want to pick up what Andrea has touched with abuse. It is quite hard to explain how easily someone’s boundaries can be overstepped emotionally and therefore so difficult to sense what is going on and even harder to name it and find the right words for it.

Over the years I could learn that nobody has the power or right to intrude into my feelings by dominating the person’s will on mine. It has got to do with having the courage to stand up for yourself, at the same time planting your self-worth and therefore taking action for yourself.

Standing up for yourself can be scary and uncomfortable, it can make you feeling guilty and at the same time this is what shows the real you, the person who you are with your needs and feelings only you can adjust and specify.

During the last year I could find myself being confronted with the same “issues” every now and then and my usual way of dealing with it would have been re-acting. I could really learn that re-acting disconnected me from myself and left me with the feeling that I am not being heard. After a while I could realize when I allow myself to feel I get less stressed and stay with my feeling so therefore I am able to express myself in an authentic way. The effect was twice rewarding. I could feel myself being heard the first time ever in my life and second positive effect was that I allowed myself to set boundaries and felt way more connected and stronger than before.

The other things with boundaries is that it is an ongoing process happening on a variety of different occasions such as at home, at work and even with the writing of my book I am currently experiencing that I need to set boundaries with the editor I am currently working. I need to set my boundaries to stay true to myself.

Or with writing this blog. I am more realizing that I want to create something completely different and that I was trying to do or write something and now I feel that a huge shift was going on so that I want to go with the flow and follow my intuition.

Love this topic, hope you as well.

Love,

Barbara

source: http://playingwiththeuniverse.blogspot.com.au

Letter on intention

Source: http://www.empowermentepilepsyandelephants.com

It took me a while to get a word for the next year. What first popped into my mind was structure and focus. I kept searching deeper and then I could sense it.

The word I am intending to have for the next year is “visibility”.

In the online course from Brene Brown, which was so amazing and shaped me a lot, apart from a lot of interesting information I could hear about that the basic needs of a person are to be heard, seen and valued.

Well, I will focus on to be seen.

To quote with Nelson Mandela:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I know this quote for years already and it has been a reminder all the time.

So, what does being visible mean? Being visible means showing up as the truly you. It means being vulnerable and brave at the same time. For me it is also connected to ask for support if necessary, learning from setbacks and at the same time to celebrate success.

Being visible for me means presenting myself with the Superwoman Power and on the other hand allowing myself to make mistakes in public. This is big… really big for me!

Being visible means showing where my boundaries are. Until here and not any further.

Being visible means having an opinion which some might probably not like. It also means letting go of other people’s expectations.

And finally being visible means to show up to connect with others!

I have never had the feeling of being visible in the past. The past couple of months helped me a lot in getting a feeling of how it could sense to be visible in micro-moments.

Well I do hope that someone out in the universe is reading my blog and  wants to dance in light with me.

Light and Visibility,

Barbara

Source: lacrilla.blogspot.com

Letter on abundance

source: http://cauldronsandcupcakes.files.wordpress.com

This is a topic which accompanies me a lot and I really like to go a little bit more into detail.

I am a person who likes to look a lot at the things which are not working yet, which could be better or could have been accomplished yet… because I am a perfectionist. Believe me I have read a lot about being perfect and currently I am reading a book about imperfection. So to explain further a perfectionist is scared to death to show his/her real self and would do anything to avoid that another person could probably get to know what is behind the cover and this makes the system running because as a perfectionist you need to work even harder in order to not to be discovered.

Well this is not quite a nice place to be AND (this is my word of abundance too, instead of BUT) I could come to accept me, how I am. With being aware and accepting I was able to take actions to change my mindset.

This started with little things such as in the morning I always say a gratitude prayer for what I am grateful for, sometimes I am grateful for the blue sky (which in Canberra is amazing) and I always include my family which is my starter package.  In the evening when I go to bed I have got a small journal where I write what I have been grateful for the day. Sometimes I cannot find enough space to write down everything I am happy about and sometimes it is just “I am happy that I can go to bed now”.

Coming back to my perfect view of my perfect life I often forget to look at the daily magic I receive from little moments because I want to be many steps ahead already.

Lately I have been quite stressed because I have got the feeling that I am running two jobs at the moment. The full-time I have got and the dream job I have got in my mind. Sometimes I have the feeling that I am getting crazy because my mind does not cope with this pressure and then guess what happens?

I let go and sit with it. I connect with nature and sit by the water and my mind gets calm and every inner struggle gets blown away. I am connected with nature and with this I slowly get back to my serenity. This is when I am grateful to sit with the water and watch birds and connect with the power of nature. This is where I feel reassured that I am on the right path.

To give another example: some days ago when I got up in the morning I had this “where I am going to go with my dream?” My inner critic popped into my mind and sooner or later I felt stuck and could not move out of my bed. This all happened within a couple of minutes. For no reason I had to look out of the window and could see a hummingbird. Coming from overseas this was like a little wonder. I felt so blessed and I started smiling when I looked at the little creature. As I always think that animals are great teachers I went straight to look it up and it totally made sense for my current situation.

I think I have mentioned that I have asked for support and I have received so much support and abundance from my husband, my daughters, friends, coaches, writers and professionals which I have never expected.

This is so precious and I cannot express in words the gratitude I feel!

This is what I want to express when I say the abundance I feel with little moments.

Much love, essence and abundance!

Barbara

source: http://awaytogarden.com

Letter on focus

source: http://www.oceanlight.com

Today I have started with something different. I drove to work earlier so that I could have some time to walk on campus. It was really chilly and it took me some effort to “fight” against the wind. When I passed by a little creek my view got caught by a pelican. There was a pelican sitting right on the landing stage. I felt so blessed to witness the beautiful image of this majestic bird.

I think I have mentioned this once that I have got a strong connection to birds and always feel that they are messengers to me.

After this endorphin increasing walk I returned to my office and started searching about pelicans and the spiritual meaning of this bird.

I could find out the following:

The pelican can help you digest all this information you’re taking in, and also facilitate ways for you to “spit out” the great ideas you have and speak your mind with confidence.

So true for me I am bursting to “spit out” my ideas and at the same time I am still frightened to show the REAL me.

If the pelican flies into your awareness, it’s a good time to contemplate variables between your heart and mind.

True again, cannot tell how much inner “fights” I have got between my urge to follow my heart and my inner critic, my mind telling me that this is “way too big” and that I not ready yet.

This is symbolic of ourselves taking a bold nose-dive into our own emotional waters to seek value.

Oh my dear I am overwhelmed by emotions especially with feelings like “enough” and a lot of outbursts either explosions of ideas or aggression mostly against myself.

The pelican symbolizes preparation and constancy.

Did I ever mention that patience is one of my challenges. I am more ALL or NOTHING.

The pelican represents teamwork, group dynamics, regeneration, and resourcefulness.

Really reminded me to have a look at my current job situation and brought out that once again this is not align…

Pelicans remind us to view ourselves as part of the whole. We all grow more when we work together in the spirit of cooperation. Pelican arrives to remind us that there is plenty for everyone. They also speak of the determination to not only survive, but thrive even when odds are stacked against them. If pelican appears to you it may be time to surround yourself with supportive people who encourage you. They also remind you of the importance to want what you have – to make the most of what you have been given.

Wonderful to step out from the survival mode and I have already started to surround myself with supportive people. This is really magic. I have got so many people coming to me offering me her support. A very good reminder as well to have a look on what I have which is so much abundance.

Please forgive me that I am quite theatrical, I had to give the pelican a name and called him Ferdinand. This is the fun part inside myself and I will weave a lot of those parts from me into the next blog posts as well. Even if some people think that’s crazy. This is part of me and I am no longer going to suppress it to impress others.

Coming back to the topic which is focus. I think this is what accompanies every single moment. I have mentioned this once and it seems that I have forgotten it already. To be creative I need to have a structure and more important I need to have a focus. Focus is necessary for me to step out of my default position and take action. Focus is my life force to have a goal or a big dream which I can achieve by following my path and at the same time it is my self-assurance to keep going even though the road may be bumpy and full of obstacles.

My way is the goal. I created an image that my path could be paved with colorful Mexican tiles or could be an artwork of combined rocks who form a solid structure all together.

Love and focus,

Barbara

source: http://www.replacements.com

 

source: http://en.wikipedia.org

 

Letter on strength

source: http://morethansayings.blogspot.com.au

I went to a training course on communication and could learn something interesting. The facilitator told us that we could borrow attributes from other people if we do not have them yet.

During the weekend I have been testing if I could apply this to my private life.

My teenage daughter had asked me to go shopping with her. I had alarm bells ringing in my head and situations from previous shopping tours popped into my mind where I felt exhausted and powerless. Added to this I have to mention that I do not like shopping centers. My sensitive mind cannot cope with all the noise and too much information and I do not like crowds either. The biggest challenge is always the money and normally I will be persuaded to buy an extra thing because…

I agreed to go but this time I was more prepared. I had discussed my pain with being specific with how much money to spend with a friend. I felt much more relieved when I could set a limit to myself with the decision to stick to it.

Prepared with my intentions I went shopping with my daughter. It went very well for some time and then I could see myself stepping back to my normal behavior and immediately everything changed and I felt more in the “fight or flight”-mode. I could not help myself getting out of my mindset.

So I thought I could give it a go with what the facilitator suggested.

I have got a friend who has got this specific power. She is mother of three and working part-time and very organized and tough. I focused all my energy to borrow her strength. Believe it or not with thinking of her strength my mood changed and I could uplift my mind and even felt the power.

When I stood in front of the mirror waiting for my daughter to come out from the changing room I could see myself straightening and even my eyes changed and my cheek relaxed.

This was really powerful and I could see that it was working.

When I adopt this to other situations it could work too.

My next step is to practice to borrow strength for changing my current job situation. I could think of the power of a horse for example.

Love and strength,

Barbara

source: http://speakinginsymbols.wordpress.com/